The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
I try to get you on the phone, I get stuck on hold
I guess you keep getting sidetracked
I been faxin' you love notes all day long
But you don't ever fax me back
I know you got your schedule and you're keepin' it tight
You got something going morning, noon, and night
But I got something I know you're gonna like
Honey, can you squeeze me in
-- - "Squeeze Me In," Delbert McClinton
When the College Football Playoff era began five seasons ago, the men and women at the helm of collegiate athletics talked about how the new postseason landscape would alter how schools scheduled games. They promised bigger opening weekends and better cross-conference matchups across the fall calendar.
Once again, we here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the subzero warehouse where David Pollack stores his protein shakes, threw our coloring books across the room in disgust. Another idea stolen from us by the CFP fat cats in their fancy luxury box.
For decades now, the teams of the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe have aggressively scheduled each other or one another, er, whatever, in an effort to influence their standing on our end of the college football world. How else could one explain 2016-17's legendary 20,000-mile home-and-home between UMass and Hawaii? Or the Pacific Coast Conference turning into the Big West, which folded into the WAC, which scattered into the Mountain West, Sun Belt and Conference USA, moves that ultimately guaranteed us an annual matchup between Rice and UTEP.
Today, the beat goes on. The teams of the Bottom 10 continue to schedule one another or each other, er, whatever, aggressively. Sure, they still don't win much. But that doesn't matter. Because the real winners are the rest of us.
With apologies to Christopher Clavius and Steve Harvey, here's the Bottom 10.
1. UTEPID (0-5)
The Minors were the only team to break last week's Power 5 blockade, and with good reason because they lost to Whew Mexico State in the Pillow Fight of the Century of the Year: Episode I (PFOTCOTY I). This week they are back in their traditional top bottom position, and with good reason because they just lost to fellow Bottom 10 regular R-O-C-K in the UTSA, their 17th consecutive loss. Our countdown clocks are already set for PFOTCOTY III on Nov. 3, when the Minors visit a team we shall reveal later in these rankings. But wait, when is PFOTCOTY II?
2. San No-Se State (0-4)
It's this weekend, when the Spartans Not Trojans, fresh off their heartbreaking five-overtime loss to Hawaii, host Coloraduh State, which is 1-4 after losing to Illinois State on Saturday. Should CSU lose to SNSS, suddenly and impossibly, its rivalry weekend game with Air Force (1-4) on Nov. 22 could have gigantic Bottom 10 Ram-ifications.
3. Whew Mexico State (1-4)
Sorry, Aggies, but a win over UTEP doesn't boost one out of these rankings. However, after questioning the sanity of scheduling an in-season home-and-home, now we see the method to your madness. Win the first of your October-November doubleheader with Liberty this weekend and you'll blast out of here with more fire-and-brimstone fervor than the nasty emails I continue to receive from Liberty supporters for including their guys in our preseason rankings.
4. Texas State Armadillos (1-3)
However, if the Aggies are torched by the Flames, then New Mexico State's trip to Texas State on Oct. 27 will also have ginormous Bottom 10 Bobcat-ifications. OK, that didn't work as well as the Rams thing, did it?
5. Arkansaw Corn-Bruins (1-12)
Just because we aren't doing that all-Power 5 thing again this week doesn't mean there aren't any Power 5 programs that deserve to be here. So we're mashing them all together for this week's Coveted Fifth Spot. If you're having the kind of season that Arkansas, Nebraska and UCLA are having, you feel like you need to brew up some corn-mashin's and drink it. You know, the stuff they sing about in that one fight song ... what's it called? Oh yeah, "Rocky Top."
6. Minute Rice (1-4)
We told you we would reveal UTEP's PFOTCOTY III opponent, and here it is. Hopefully you made it this far and didn't pass out from anticipation before you got here.
7. In a Rut-gers (1-4)
Speaking of games with stupendous significance, who knew that the Week 1 matchup between Texas State and Rutgers would end up having such colossal connotations when it came to the Bottom 10 standings? Oh yeah, everyone.
8. U-Can't (1-4)
The Oct. 27 matchup between Connecticut and UMass will also likely have Bunyanesque Bottom 10 ramifications. But we won't be titling this contest any version of "Pillow Fight." Thanks to recent media conference performances by both head coaches, we're calling it the New England SMH Bowl.
9. Central Michigan Chippy-was (1-4)
When it comes to scheduling Bottom 10 matchups with elephantine emphasis, no one can touch #MACtion. The conference currently houses four one-win teams: CMU, My Hammy of Ohio, Boiling Green State and State of Kent. My Hammy beat Boiling Green two weeks ago and plays Kent two weeks from now. After playing My Hammy, Kent hosts Boiling Green at the end of October. The round-robin finishes up when CMU hosts BGSU on Nov. 10. It'll be like catching two drunk roommates at the bottom of a staircase.
10. UNC Achilles Heels (1-3)
The good news? North Carolina has this Saturday off. The bad news? Vegas already has Bye Week listed as a three-touchdown favorite.
Waiting List: Boiling Green State (1-4), State of Kent (1-4), My Hammy of Ohio (1-4), R-O-C-K in the UTSA (2-3), Western Kentucky Hillstoppers (1-4), Coloraduh State (1-4), Ore-gone State (1-4), Iowa State Auntie Ems (1-3), Old Duh-minions (1-4), the team that lost to Old Duh-minions (3-1), grabbing people on the sideline.